BY PAMELA BOWMAN, MESA, USA – During one of our training sessions we were told the pros and cons of this project. It is easier and more fun to focus on the pros. The cons were like, “you could die over there! You really could!” Cyndi wanted to make it perfectly clear. “If you have a problem with that then you had better pull yourself out of this right now!”
There are wild animals and a culture we are not familiar with, but die?
We are not bungy jumping off of Victoria Falls. This was clarified by our fearful leader Cyndi. We are going to be insulated. Jabbes has arranged “supervisors” for each of us. We have had our shots. We have done as much as we can to prepare for this project. We are dying to go!
But that statement does leave one with moments of reflection. Late at night with the steady sound of breathing from each of those I have nurtured for the last 24 years I ponder what their lives would be like with out me in it.
Through the years everyone develops relationships. In the everyday events of life you see and relate to those you see and relate with every day. I have never consciously chosen to stop associating with anyone. Usually circumstances dictate who I see or don’t see. I remember hearing that after high school you won’t see those you have spent four years of your life with. I didn’t believe it then, but it was true. The same occurred with my College friends. And as I have left communities I have been disappointed and sad at the lack of communication with those I have history with. So now I am embarking on a new adventure. I would be remiss not to think of the implications. As I meet new people and develop new relationships I acknowledge it diminishes the time I have for others, including myself.
There will come a time in all of our lives when we can not be a part of the lives of those we love, but I believe that we can always be in each others hearts. Sounds corny, right? Well, it is. That doesn’t make it untrue. I also have found strength and courage knowing of the love and confidence others have for me. Recently, I also have experienced self-doubt and weakness when I have felt all alone, abandoned or worse denied.
“You could die over there! You really could!” I know that is true, but I also know I could die right here. And I will some day. In the mean time I am enjoying the feeling of birth, my own, separate and yet intertwined with family, friends, nature, environment and once in a life time opportunities.
My little world without me in it. Yes, I want to be missed by those I cherish. I want them to know it isn’t what I may accomplish that is worth remembering. It is how I made them feel.
Be forewarned, when I am gone I will haunt your heart just as many linger in mine…Always.