BY PAMELA JO BOWMAN – MESA ARIZONA – Sometimes, life gets so serious that just trying to get through it becomes ridiculously funny. Everyone looking at my life, right now, who knows about the drama swirling around my work and my family are wondering how I am holding it all together. I feel like I am in the eye of the storm. Where I stand, I feel calm and quiet. I can look out and see the dust and haze swirling toward me. I can see trailers and cows flying in the distance, but I am still. I know the calm will not last long, but it strengthens me for the moments when I weaken.
Yesterday I tried to turn away from what is real. I understand denial so much better now. It creates a storm within. I could feel the pull of my life drawing me out toward the chaos. There was constant struggle of self. Finally I succumbed to what is real and then I became very weepy. I found comfort in the arms of those that love me but I still felt so weak and frail and …I don’t know which is the “right” word … helpless or hopeless. Maybe a little bit of both while I was trying to decide who was to blame for all of this. In the end, trying to find fault does not diminish the pain or change what is. To be certain, there are those at fault, but all of us are responsible for our role in what is occurring. Maybe that is the problem. No one can admit responsibility. For me I have to admit it. I will own what is mine. It quickens the healing and releases me to me.
Today, I am better. Perhaps I have resorted to my old coping habits. If I ignore whatever is happening then it will go away. It works for a while. Then I looked in the mirror and was surprised at what stared back at me. I swear I have aged 10 years in 10 days. It is okay. I feel wiser. Looking good just isn’t important anymore. Getting through the day is. Finding the ridiculous helps diminish the storm so I can still dance in the rainfall.