I’ve been home for over a week now. Every day I try to do something to get my strength back. It is difficult. Chris is slowly recovering as well.
One day I changed the sheets. I yelled a lot at Chris. He looked scared.
The next day I cleaned the bathroom.
The next day I Clorox’d the kitchen.
At night, when it is only around 100′, I slowly walk to the mailbox and get my mail. It is hard. I sweat a lot. I breathe heavy, but every night it gets easier. A friend saw me one night. She slowed down to ask how I was. I tried to smile, but I have a colossal fever blister all over my lips. She said she would call some time. I’m sure she will, but I don’t think I have anything to say.
Yesterday I drove at 7 am to get a mop at Walmart before anyone else was there. Please refer back to the flood. I saw healthy people walking, jogging, and biking. That used to be me. I hope it is again someday soon, but I wonder.
The other night I ordered takeout. I warned them that I had COVID. I popped my trunk, and they stuck the food in without ever having to talk to me or touch me.
I am not sure how long before I feel I am not a threat to anyone.
Sometimes I watch the news. I see Americans being silly. I see Ellen and cooking shows still promoting themselves, and it all seems so frivolous and insignificant. I’m sure they feel they are providing happy times or something. I just don’t know the value of such things anymore.
I am glad the virus has abated in me, but it has changed me. I think it has changed America.
America and Americans true nature have been revealed in beautiful and ugly ways. Each individual character flaw and grace has been exposed. It often isn’t pretty.
What I want to believe is in the very nature and resilience of America. I hear and watch how disappointing our local and federal leaders have failed to lead. And I am confused.
I am an American. I am my own leader. I don’t need or want someone to tell me what is the considerate way to behave. I know. I may not want to do the right thing, but I know what it is.
I feel I have earned the right to say this about COVID.
Some of you will be fortunate to not have any symptoms. Some will have mild symptoms. Others will have severe symptoms or lingering ones, and some will die. Please do not compare this to “the flu.” You don’t know what you are talking about. The long term ramifications are unknown. Be wise. Be diligent. Be kind.
If you are angry that wearing a mask is inconvenient or makes your face break out or you feel claustrophobic, at least you can feel something. If your pride gets up, I believe it says something about you and your character. Everyone wants to believe they are a good person. After all, you have to live with yourself. Wearing a mask to protect others from what ails you is being considerate and compassionate. A lost value in today’s narcissistic climate.
For me, as I remember laying on the ground, so very sick, if that had been my child, I would have scooped her up and rushed her to the hospital. I would have risked my life to hold her hand, and I would have laid by her in that bed to comfort her. I would have done that because I would have valued her life. I would have wanted to help her because I love her.
But I wasn’t willing to do that for me. That is going to change. I am an adult, I must be my own parent now and value my life and what I want because I count too. A little self love ya know?
And when I have moments of mind induced self-flagellation, and who doesn’t, I will remember the bat and my exploding technicolor brain and what I went trough survived and endured.
And through the fever, pain, aches, chills, vomiting, nausea, coughing, and diarrhea, I will remember that COVID took my brain, sifted out the last 62 years, and revealed me. “Well, hello there. Been awhile. You going to stick around this time or drown in your remaining years?”
I know how to swim in my little pond.